Search Queries Vol. 2

We turn again to look at some of the eclectic and intuitive search terms used to find this up-to-date and trend-setting forum.

 

• catheter bag pictures

I actually can’t remember a time I talked about catheters, never mind offering up pictures of various styles. I am not currently employing the use of one such bag, so I can’t really tell you what they look like, but I suggest a more expanded Google search.

 

• broad shoulders

I wouldn’t say I put a plethora of pictures of myself on the blog, so I don’t know if this person found what they were looking for. Additionally, I don’t think I have particularly broad shoulders. Although, one time last summer at the clothing store I offered to try on a jacket for a woman to see how it would look on someone of a similar size. She put me in my place by telling me that I am far more broad than she (not true). You can see more of my aphorisms here and here.

• her bladder funny

Seriously, what is it with the urinary-related queries? And when is a bladder funny? I’m not sure I can point to what is so comical about a bladder, so let’s just move on.

 

• does Jonathan Franzen have Mennonite roots?

I like this one because I think it’s such an intriguing question. Will his affiliation, or lack thereof, affect your understand and/or appreciation of his work? Leave to people with such religiously specific requests to find there way here. Read more about Franzen or Mennonites and form your own opinion…if you dare.

 

• koh samui sandwich massage

What the dernit is a sandwich massage? Are you eating a sandwich while you get the massage? Do you get rubbed with a sandwich? Does the sandwich itself get the massage? Maybe just peruse some photos instead.

 

• how to love bajillion

How to love bajillion is an ancient tradition. One that I am not at liberty to discuss at this moment. But, if you promise to come and visit my blog everyday (and tell all your friends about it) I will reveal it to you over time.

 

Olé!

Yo soy una genius.

 

One part of the degree requirements for my graduate program is to prove competency in a foreign language. One might say, “Yo, girl, why do you need to know a foreign language for an English program? That is loco.” I know, it is. But it’s all a part of that whole liberal arts thing that is so hot right now. And for the record, it’s not only my program that has this stipulation. It’s pretty much standard across the board for English Master’s programs. Well maybe not for online programs, but let’s not even get into those…

 

You can fulfill this requirement in one of three ways: show that you took at least two years of a foreign language in undergraduate and earned a B or higher, take the Old English course, which is essentially a foreign language, and pass it with a B or higher, or take a translation test in a language of your choice and pass it with an understanding of the general idea.

 

Well, it has been about 9 years since I last took a foreign language I felt comfortable with (German doesn’t count because I never really learned to speak it that well–seriously, learning High German in Zurich is like trying to learn Portuguese in Spain) and I wasn’t sure that I could pass a Spanish translation test, so option 3 didn’t look that good. Obvi, the first option was out since nine years ago I was in high school and no one could shoo me near the foreign language department at undergrad. I was so over español.  So that left me with option number 2: Old English. To say I was not interested in taking this class would be a gross understatement. Gag! Postmodernism is my thing, baby. The last thing I want to do is cruise back a thousand years and start hacking out syllables that don’t make no sense. And in the summer! Yes, the course is slated to be during summer school.

 

So, early in this semester when I started my Chaucer class (which is in Middle English, a super snazzy transition between Old and Modern English) I started getting a little sweaty under the arms thinking about taking Old English this summer. A little muchacha with a sombrero started speaking in my head, “You should take the translation test, señorita.” And with those first Spanglish whispers I knew I needed to make this test a reality.

 

Cut to me hyperventilating looking at all the material I needed to try to reteach myself. Um, there’s a lot to learn in Spanish and it had been nearly a decade since I had studied it. For two weeks straight I woke up every morning, made a coffee date with my Spanish dictionary (sexy, right?), and hit the translating hard. I found a tutor through Craigslist and met with him over coffee for some extra practice. I was studying like cuh-razy.

 

And then I took the test.

 

And what do you know, I kicked that bad boy’s butt! I crushed it! I went all TOTAL-DOMINATION! Please excuse the slight exaggerating. But, for realsies, I passed it. On the first try. And I feel awesome. That means no summer school, no Old English, no more funny Spanglish as I run around my apartment saying things like, “Yum! This manzana es muy tasty!”

 

But, the best part is, I get to start a new book. I bought The Marriage Plot the same day I bought my Spanish dictionary and told myself that I couldn’t start reading it until I passed my test. Who has two thumbs and rewards herself with literature?  >this girl<

 

 

Spots or Stripes?

My friend Jill likes to send out emails to a group of us that met and became insta-friends whilst living in Zurich (although, these have been in short supply as of late). They usually include a questionnaire of sorts, with probing questions that address our innermost truths—What type of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle do you most identify with? What was the best birthday gift you ever received? And, do you wash your hair or your body first in the shower? Real soul shakin’ stuff, I tell ya.

The questions are always great and encourage me to think about random aspects of my life. Many times they provide a thoughtful trip down memory lane, such as when I had to recall whether or not I ate the crusts of my sandwich as a child. Can you tell I want the invasive probing questions to recommence? In any event, one question that was asked forever ago was, do you own more stripes or polka-dots? I think I answered pretty nonchalantly like, oh, I think I probably maybe have more stripes… I guess. Ummmmm,

 

 

ya think!?! Dag yo, I didn’t realize I had amassed so many stripes. Horizontal stripes, which “everyone” says you should stay away from. I should have realized last week after my Thursday afternoon walk around downtown (aka shopping extravaganza) that all I had bought were stripes. Three new tops, all with stripes (ok, one technically was color blocking so I didn’t include it in this picture). Even the shoes I bought (50% off!) have a stripe motif. So maybe I have a type?

 

As for the polka dots…

 

I only own the bikini top. I didn't even buy the bottoms, that's how much I don't take heart to polka-dots.

 

I guess I just don’t love them. I think they look great on other people, but kinda make me feel like a little girl? Maybe that’s not even true. I don’t have a good reason.

 

But, I do have a combo platter…

 

 

So, what about you? Spots or stripes?

 

 

Wednesday Math

Modern British Poetry paper–                                8 pages     2, 459 words

 

Southern Literature paper–                                  13 pages       4,068 words

 

Revolutionary Literature of the 1850s paper–        17 pages       5,250 words

 

Grand Total–                                                      38 pages    11,777 words

 

I need a nap.

After finals.

 

It’s Eleven, Eleven My Friend, Make a Wish!

Things that make the fact that it’s Friday even BETTER:

• This afternoon I slam-dunked my second parallel parking spot in 24 hours. Last night I shimmied into a spot, which was my first successful attempt since I moved back to the States. Yes, that was over 11 months ago.
• I wrote the entire rough draft for my Modern British Poetry final paper today. That makes me 2,140 words closer to the finish line.
• I managed to sneak in an hour power yoga session as a study break. Despite it not being 95 degrees in my apartment I still was sweating my tukus off. Like my yoga teacher said on Tuesday, “Make every opportunity your chance to shine.” Maybe I wasn’t shining in the exact way she intended…
• Tonight I will be able to debut the new fall jacket I bought at Target yesterday. The temperature made its way into the sixties so I can finally don some fancy fall fashions. Whoa, alliteration!
• Tomorrow Adam and I head to New York City to visit his sister and parents. NYC in the fall? Duh. As an added bonus point we will be catching a couple of basketball games at Madison Square Garden. I know Duke will be at the party. University of Kentucky and Michigan State will be there as well. But, the folks we’re really there to see are the Jayhawks. Ahh, please don’t hate me! I promise Brother Starship Commander I won’t wear a KU t-shirt.

 

Monday Math

Salty, steamy mass of chicken fingers and fries = -10 points

Drinking a Diet Pepsi with the mess of fried foods = +2 points

Wearing exercise clothes while eating chicken and fries goodness = +4 points

Watching TV while scarfing and slurping down lunch= -3 points

Feeling stressed because there is so much (expletive) work I need to do for school, and a huge take-out of chicken fingers and fries with a side of Ranch is a craving that I just need to satisfy = a jillion positive points.

Search Queries, Vol 1

Well, I didn’t think  I was going to do this. At least not so soon. But, the other day someone stumbled upon my blog using a search term so comical that I figured now would be as good a time as any to share with you words and phrases that some people use to find my blog. First up, the term that propelled me to post today:

• “wrapped dick”

At first I was like, WHAT?! Umm, when was the last time I wrote about wrapped dicks?? Well, turns out this clue led some unbeknownst person to my post about wrapping up my reading of Moby Dick. I’m pretty sure this person was highly uninterested in my feelings upon completion of the canonical novel and did not find any solution to his concern of a “wrapped dick.”

• “my friend rage too much”

Unfortunately, my post about murderous rage is probably of no help to the poor soul out there fearing for his life because his friend has a violently explosive temper. Moving on.

• “just can’t get enough”

Of my blog? Wow. I guess…well, I’m flattered of course. And, phew! Man, what an honor.

• “a broad at ho”

Whoa, whoa, whoa! no need for the language. I’m pretty sure I don’t even know you, and here you are getting all derogatory.  Maybe you should take a hint from the guy above, because he seems to have much more appealing feelings.

• “chris rock daughter notorious b.i.g. doll”

This seems like it doesn’t make sense (Notorious B.I.G. has a doll? Yes, in fact, he does) but it is directly related to a post of musings. I mentioned the best part of the Oprah episode I was watching was when Chris Rock related that “every little girl should have a doll of a slain rapper.” Yes they should, Chris. Yes they should.

• “place to pick up prostitutes in istanbul”

Burn! I haven’t even written once about Istanbul (or prostitutes, for that matter) on this blog. That would have been on last year’s blog (Istanbul, not prostitutes) so I’m confused as to how this search engine term directed someone to this upstanding blog.

• “i got my cocaine at the club nitty gritty”

Not even going to touch this one. Completely lost.

• “me and you is friends”

Yes, blog surfer. Me and you is friends. And going to be forever until the when.

Study Sesh

This is how I research on Friday afternoon.