I went to the university slightly scared, overwhelmed, and most of all, curious. Excitement, for the moment, sang over all other emotions and I was eager to get to campus and have a look around. Rather than bore you with the specifics of my visit, in the interest of full disclosure and transparency, I will share with you many of the thoughts that swam through my head.
While sitting with two professors listening to the details of the program my initial for the Master’s program swelled. I began to really believe this is something I can do. They were honest about the rigors and expectations, which I fully appreciated, but comforted me by assuring theirs was a supportive faculty. A small program, about 20 students, is key to providing individualized attention and mentoring to the students from the professors.
After my meeting I had about an hour break to wander around the (b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l) campus and chat a bit with Adam about first impressions. I could visualize myself shuffling between the library and English building, toting my bag around campus on my way to class, making a pit-stop at the rec center for a little unwinding. Graduate school became less of an idea and more of an actualization.
Post-break I joined about ten other students for a seminar. Sitting in on a class was key to picturing myself on campus. Soon terms and vocabulary whizzed around my head at an unfavorably fast pace (“quantum physics?!”–to be fair the seminar was Studies in Science Fiction) and apprehension flooded my system. Would I be able to keep up with academic dialogue such as this? (Oh yeah, they use words like “dialogue” as opposed to “conversation”). Would people see me as a fraud? Will anyone mock my Elementary Education degree and deem me unfit? Admittedly, these are juvenile fears, but they are not unfounded. I’ve been out of the academic community for a while and the most intellectually taxing activities include rudimentary translating between English and German. Sitting on the floor playing with kiddos for a year can make anyone feel unprepared for graduate school.
After the class I felt fearful, but not overwhelmingly so. I met with my CouchSurfer host for the evening and passed a relaxing evening as I was exhausted from travel and high emotions. I went to bed trying to imagine my life as a student at this university. In a few months could I see myself wracked with anxiety about a seminar paper? Do I want sleepless nights and headaches from the glare of a computer? Do I want to forgo reading for pleasure because I’m so burnt out from my school readings?
Waking up refreshed I made my way to campus and further into the downtown area. Sitting with my coffee in a little cafe gave me time to reflect. What I concluded was this: Yes, I can do this. I know I can. It’s a challenge, and it’s tough, but of course it is. It’s graduate school. I’m not doing this because it’s easy. The other students coming into the program will be just as nervous as I, and I will not be alone in my fears. When I think about not going to school I am met with a giant blank slate, one that looks far more frightening than a couple of intellectually difficult years of school. I can’t think of anything I would rather do than go to school. I am ready for this. I’m scared and nervous, but I think those are good things. I am ready to push myself and get out of my comfort zone. Not to say that living abroad for a year was in my comfort zone because it certainly was. But this is a totally new concept, one that I didn’t foresee. But I am excited. I am ready to take this on, commit, and excel! Whoa, just had my mental pep-talk in front of all you. Hopefully it wasn’t too much of an over-share.
During my layover in Dulles I was sipping a brew (Happy National Beer Day!) and eating a basketful of garlic fries (yes, right before I got on a crowded flight–what, have I never been in public before?!) and I allowed myself to finally believe that graduate school is happening. This is not a drill.
A Broad At Home 