Now, I am not going to claim to be an expert on all things “Bachelorette.” I’m a fair-weather fan by anyone’s standard. I try to stay away from the show, and I managed to do just that for several seasons. But just like a hard drug (crack kills!), when I get my first taste I’m hooked. This season it happened when the gang went to Thailand. I thought it would be an excellent way to research the area before heading there myself later this summer. Actually that’s not even true, but it would make for a nice educational tie-in, don’t you think? In truth, when my aunt was visiting I tuned in with her to scout for any Bentley drama, thus an addiction was born.
I haven’t had a chance to watch the finale yet (don’t worry, I have it on DVR) but I was thinking yesterday about how I would like the show to conclude and I reflected on her past dates. A couple of lounge chairs sitting under the big tree in my backyard spurred me to think about “Bachelorette” dates and their eery similarities. At this point, having watched many a season, including this drama-filled one, I am confident I could help any gal create the perfect date that would make any Bachelorette proud.
This could be you! photo couresy of whogotvotedoff.net
Step 1: Set it Somewhere Improbable and Über-Romantic
More often than not the setting should be an idyllic beach nook or seaside cliff, always with a single table for two. The table should be elaborately set with linens, dishware, labels, cue cards, whatever. Fire (such as tiki torches, a fire pit, or flame-throwers) is optional and should not be used until the second date, after which you will be required to kiss. Later in the courtship, once the romance has gone international, feel free to include dancers, acrobats, mimes, and/or magicians into the evening program.
Step 2: Always Use White Wine
White wine is requisite for a “Bachelorette” date. Don’t worry, you don’t actually have to drink it. As my friend Andrew says, “What’s the point of white wine anyway?” Well, maybe that’s a little harsh; some varietals can be quite tasty. But, the point is you only have to take a sip or two. This comes right after the “cheers” to which you celebrate the beautiful and artificial surroundings and your chance to “finally get to know one another.” Why white wine? It doesn’t stain your teeth like the more delectable red wine and has a lower alcohol content, therefore preventing the none-to-attractive sloppy drunk. Chances are you will be crying at some point in the night. Let’s just try to prolong it a bit.
Insert couple here. photo courtesy of korosunresort.com
Step 3: Prepare the Meal
OK, that’s obviously a joke. You aren’t preparing anything. Simply pick up some already prepared foods at Dean and Deluca, or if you’re on a budget, Price Chopper. The food should then be artfully displayed on your finest plates (go out and buy some if necessary) and commence getting ready. Of course, all this food should be sitting on the table long before your date even comes over. Don’t worry if sauces and/or cheeses start congealing. Like the wine, you won’t be eating much of it anyway. Should you need to take a few bites ensure that both your food and your date’s has been cut up prior to the meal. You would not want to risk an errant piece of food flying from the plate and ruining your outfit.
Step 4: Choose an Outfit
Choosing your ensemble could be the most important decision of your life. An overstatement? Perhaps. But you really should put some thought and care into what you wear (I sense a mantra!). This outfit should cost a small fortune. Obviously, it should be some kind of designer label, but never, NEVER divulge that you are wearing name-brand; keep your tact intact. If it doesn’t exactly fit or is not comfortable don’t fret, you will never wear it again. True Bachelorettes wear their outfits once. How mortifying is a repeat offender, right? Naturally, what you choose should highlight your best assets. This season it is the Bachelorette’s legs. So hike up the skirt, pull down the neckline, or roll up the sleeves. If you got it, flaunt it.
Can you feel the romance from here? photo courtesy of okmagazine.com
Step 5: Engage in “Meta-” Conversations
The dialogue is more than a little cringe-worthy on the show, therefore yours should be as well. Captivate your suitor with conversations about the progress of your relationship. Some starters include, “So how are you feeling about Us?” “What did you think about today (assuming you went on some sort of extreme-sports, team-building date in the afternoon)?” “Is there anything you want to talk about?” I especially like that last one for its vagueness and open-ended nature. Allow your date to answer any and all of these questions and make him feel like he is saying the most special things you have ever heard. Your pose should include a nodding, tilted head, perhaps resting on your hand, and focused, sparkling eyes. All Bachelorettes know to mention the “process” of dating several times during the conversation, i.e. “How are you feeling about this whole process?” Feel free to add in “like” as many times as you feel necessary, e.g. “So, like, how you are feeling about this whole, like, process? You know?”
Step 6: Wrap it Up
At the conclusion of the date always exclaim, “This was the most romantic night of my life!” Because, in all honesty, it was. At least until the next date tomorrow night.
A Broad At Home 